My Gorgeous late son:
Sebastian Bernard Geyser
Sometimes the miracle we pray for land up becoming the life, strength and life saving miracle to others in some form or other. I believe the Greatest of people have endured some challenging times in their lives and have gone through incredible pain, BUT they made a decision to learn from the pain, strengthen from the scars and create a life helping those in life with similar trials and tribulations. Look at Oprah, had she not had the challenging life she was given, she would not be able to help the millions of people she does today. Look at the AA support groups accross the world, had those first alcoholics who started the groups not lost everything and gone through the pain they had, where would all the support be for the recovering alcholics today? and the list goes on and on.
Sometimes our loses and our trauma's are so deep and raw that we fail to believe that there will ever be another sunrise in our life, or another breath takingly happy moment, yet my friends there eventually is!!
Like with many things in life, it takes a long time to absorb and come to terms with accepting loss or change whereby you are left feeling alone and afraid.
I was angry for many years after I lost my son and felt that the world owed me!! they owed my son for HIS PAIN which I, as a parent felt hopeless I couldnt make better, and they owed us for our pain we were feeling.
BUT life doesnt work like that, in fact, NO ONE owed us anything. I owed my son strength and courage, I owed myself care and acceptance, but no one owed it to me.
As time has passed, I have realised that from many years ago (starting with my self harm), I was given the task of eduring certain things in my life so that I could eventually pull through it all and share with others my story and help them believe and know they TOO can do it.
The day my son stopped breathing, I was on my knees in my driveway throwing myself backwards and forwards begging God to give him back to me. The paramedics were working on him and I negotiated everything and anything with God. God allowed me another 12 hours with him, and tragically the next morning at 1:30 am in ICU he stopped breathing.
This was not my decision to make, I felt it was and I was dam angry that it had been ripped away from me, but something bigger was going on here. Firstly I believe my son was needed to do great work else where and his presence was requested (that thought whether YOU believe it or not, gives ME great comfort, and thats all that matters) and secondly, this was the cross I had been given.
Denial and guilt, denial and guilt was the train of thought and emotion for a long long time following the death of Sebastian!! How and Why???
I should not have worked in my skin care clinic (on my property - down stairs) that day,
WHAT IF I was upstairs and found him a little earlier??
WHAT IF I didnt accept the induction and he wasnt a premature baby???
WHAT IF it was because of the air con??
WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF????????
My friends, we cannot erase what is written in the skies. We cannot un map the path that our future has paved for us, WHAT IF will not bring your loved one back. THERE IS NOTHING you could have done...........!!! no matter the age of your child or how the death happend, remember this, YOU DID WHAT YOU KNEW WAS BEST AND YOU DID IT OUT OF ABSOLUTE LOVE AND ADORATION FOR YOUR CHILD. He / she was needed to do great work else where, and just for now you will be seperated, but find comfort and peace that an eternity awaits all of you together again.
My son may have passed away, and our family may have been distrsught and broken , but one thing that has not happend, is that my son's passing has not been in vain. Its my son's sudden death that has got me where I am today, sitting here writing you this note, reassuring you that YOU WILL BE OK.I have CHOSEN to make dam sure he left for a reason, and that reason was to help you!! COMFORT YOU !!
so YES, your miracles that you ask for may not be answered exactly how you have hoped and prayed, but somewhere , somehow, your hurt has and will become someone else's miracle and strength. FIND COMFORT AND COURAGE IN THAT no death was in vain.
NOW, I have a duty and commitment to fulfill to my beautiful and special older son who deserves me WHOLE AND STRONG AND COURAGEOUS, and therefore I have chosen to turn my challenges I have faced in life into a strength , and courage building triumph and into helping others and into understanding people with compassion rather thatn judging people with my opinion.
I still have bad days, plenty of them, but I have learnt the tools to assist me when I am having those days , I learnt because I chose to FORCE myself to learn to cope, and SO CAN YOU.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF, and when the times is right, GET UP and face the day hour by hour and know that deep within your soul burns a fire so strong that it will give you power to pull through this, because YOU ARE SOMEONE'S HAPPINESS, AND YOU ARE NEEDED BY SOMONE TODAY.
you are in my thoughts
Love Nadia
TODAY YOU CAN CHOOSE TO TURN PAIN, TRAUMA, SADNESS, GULT AND REGRET INTO LIFES LESSONS, DRAW FROM THE PAIN AND LET IT GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO MOVE FORWARD..........TAKE THE TOOLS IVE LEARNT THAT ASSIST ME STILL AND USE THEM TO HELP YOU!! BUILD YOUR LIFE UP AGAIN INTO TRIUMPH AND INSIPRATION SO THAT WHEN YOU TALK , PEOPLE LISTEN.........AND PEOPLE WILL LISTEN BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN THERE, NOT BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW IT ALL.
i ENCOURAGE YOU TO SPEAK YOUR OPINION AND MIND AND TO GET SOME CONVERSATIONS GOING. GOOD READING TODAY........KEEP VISITING US LOVE NADS
ReplyDeleteNads, what u said/wrote today is so true and apt. I can remember when I lost my sister, and all the bargaining I did with God and how angry I was with him for a long time. Until I finally realised that it was Her time and there was nothing that I could have done to change what was meant to be. Its 7 years now...
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to thank you for your in put and comment. I had actually replied earlier but all this is new to me too, and after hours had passed by and I re - read what I wrote , I was realised I was horribly uncomfortable with the original reply and hope you get to see this message instead :) Im so sorry for your pain and loss. Losing a loved one is hard to accept no matter who it is. maybe when you have a few minutes , you can share one or two tips on what helped you get through those days you didnt / or dont cope too well. We all know that loss isnt something you ever get over, but more something you learnt to live with. So if you have some tips on how things that work for you, it would be AWESOME to hear them. love Nads
ReplyDeleteHi Nadia my name is Michelle. I lost my beautiful baby to sids 3weeks ago. I have two older boys aged 2 and 4. My little boy was only 3 months old. He was s wonderful healthy happy little boy. He could lift his head and was trying to get balance on his arms. I had visited my mom that afternoon and he had not had a sleep so when I left my mom and arrived home I new he would be miserable as bath time was at 7-730. I gave him a bottle and lay him down on his side as always. I went downstairs to cook supper. Both my older boys where playing outside so hubby and I were both in and out all the time. At 6 I realised he was still sleeping as I had put him down at 5 I still figured he was sleeping. We ate dinner at 6-45. I still remember telling hubby that he must be really tired to be sleeping so long. As this was normal for him to sleep 3-4 hours I paid no attention. We bathed the boys put them to sleep and came down stairs. I then had to go yo check ad I felt even though he may be asleep I wanted to make sure he was fine. I switched the bathroom light on and walked towards his Moses cot. He was laying on his tummy face down. I couldn't hear him breathing, I even moved the cot to hope to startle him. No movement. I quickly turned him over and he was limp. He made I slight nice and all I thought is I've caught him in time. I ran screaming with shock down stairs gave Hugo to my husband. He gave him CPR. We were in a state. I grabbed my boys out there bed. They didn't know what was happening. I drove like crazy to the hospital pleading with god don't take my son. I said the Lord's prayer over and over again. He lay there helpless on the bed doctors nurses trying to get him to breathe. They gave him adrenalin but nothing. After 10 minutes they came to tell me he has passed. I was furious! How can they give up so soon. When we all saw him he was special beautiful at peace yet so alone. I was in such shock I couldn't cry. A full autopsy was done and they found nothing everything normal, blood and tissue samples. How can this be. How can a baby go so quick without warning. I live with terrible guilt the what ifs are driving me crazy. Why didn't I check on him sooner. Why didn't I have a monitor on. What if he slept in his big cot. Could he of cried and I didn't here. I feel empty all alone and only am here cause my other boys need me. I miss him terribly and feel I may loose my mind. I am seeing a professional soon. Please can you help share some light for me. I am too sorry for your loss. It's not right we should be doing more to help find a cure for this.
ReplyDeleteRest I peace my baby angel Hugo
Dear Michelle,
DeleteFirstly, there are no words that soothe your loss or make you feel better, I am so so sorry for your hurt and pain and know exactly what you are feeling right now. I am sorry for your family's pain too and wish that somehow it could all go away, but it cant, and thats the horrible harsh reality of it, HOWEVER Michelle, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, the WHAT IF'S you are feeling and the GUILT you are experiencing is totally normal and exceptionally difficult to deal with.
I know many people including the person you are seeking professional help from has told you that non of any of this was your fault, and whether you had found him within a minute or 3 hours the outcome would have been the same, for some reason there is NO explanation for SIDS.
When I lost my son, I was in total denial, I think it is really great that you have found the courage to seek for answers and help and want to talk about it so soon, I really admire that and want to tell you how STRONG YOU ARE.
Straight after my loss, my husband at the time was doing a lot of research on SIDS and had found that a young man was actually doing work with his baby on his lap when his baby suddenly stopped breathing, Michelle, do you know that not even that man could save his child and it happend there and then within a few seconds infront of him.
What I am trying to tell you with a very sore heavy heart my friend (i dont know you, but I call you that because I know your pain, and am here for you )is that no matter when you found him, how you found him, what position you put him to sleep, what milk you gave him, what room temperature he was in.........IT WOULD HAVE HAPPEND, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD HAVE CHANGED THAT.
you are a great mum, you are beautiful, strong and wonderful and people need YOU!
A monitor wouldnt have made a difference, Michelle when things and events are written in the skies, not even the most sophisticated machinery will change those paths of events.
I know how much you pine for him, unfortunatelly THAT never goes away, but somehow you learn to live it. BUT WHAT I CAN TELL YOU is that this time apart from your precious beautiful Hugo is only a temporary parting to an eternity together, and sometimes our beautiful angels are needed to do things far greater, far more important , far more incredible than you and I can ever fathom, and for that BE PROUD!! Be proud that you gave birth to such a special soul, and even more so, that God chose such a special mum to bring him into the world.
Your other two boys need you, they need your love, they need your smile, warmth and strength which I know Hugo has left with you. Do not doubt how strong you are or what you are capable of. You are never things you cannot handle.
You have my email address, use it whenever you want, as you want, time or day.
I hope to meet you one day.
Every time you see the brightest star in the sky, KNOW that that is Hugo shinning bright , looking down on your all and letting you know that he is HAPPY, SAFE, LOVED, WARM AND SO SO SPECIAL........
Never give up, I wish I had more answers, but I dont. I look forward to hearing from you and am keeping you close to my heart and i my prayers.
All my love
Nads
Dear Michelle,
DeleteFirstly, there are no words that soothe your loss or make you feel better, I am so so sorry for your hurt and pain and know exactly what you are feeling right now. I am sorry for your family's pain too and wish that somehow it could all go away, but it cant, and thats the horrible harsh reality of it, HOWEVER Michelle, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, the WHAT IF'S you are feeling and the GUILT you are experiencing is totally normal and exceptionally difficult to deal with.
I know many people including the person you are seeking professional help from has told you that non of any of this was your fault, and whether you had found him within a minute or 3 hours the outcome would have been the same, for some reason there is NO explanation for SIDS.
When I lost my son, I was in total denial, I think it is really great that you have found the courage to seek for answers and help and want to talk about it so soon, I really admire that and want to tell you how STRONG YOU ARE.
Straight after my loss, my husband at the time was doing a lot of research on SIDS and had found that a young man was actually doing work with his baby on his lap when his baby suddenly stopped breathing, Michelle, do you know that not even that man could save his child and it happend there and then within a few seconds infront of him.
What I am trying to tell you with a very sore heavy heart my friend (i dont know you, but I call you that because I know your pain, and am here for you )is that no matter when you found him, how you found him, what position you put him to sleep, what milk you gave him, what room temperature he was in.........IT WOULD HAVE HAPPEND, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD HAVE CHANGED THAT.
you are a great mum, you are beautiful, strong and wonderful and people need YOU!
A monitor wouldnt have made a difference, Michelle when things and events are written in the skies, not even the most sophisticated machinery will change those paths of events.
I know how much you pine for him, unfortunatelly THAT never goes away, but somehow you learn to live it. BUT WHAT I CAN TELL YOU is that this time apart from your precious beautiful Hugo is only a temporary parting to an eternity together, and sometimes our beautiful angels are needed to do things far greater, far more important , far more incredible than you and I can ever fathom, and for that BE PROUD!! Be proud that you gave birth to such a special soul, and even more so, that God chose such a special mum to bring him into the world.
Your other two boys need you, they need your love, they need your smile, warmth and strength which I know Hugo has left with you. Do not doubt how strong you are or what you are capable of. You are never things you cannot handle.
You have my email address, use it whenever you want, as you want, time or day.
I hope to meet you one day.
Every time you see the brightest star in the sky, KNOW that that is Hugo shinning bright , looking down on your all and letting you know that he is HAPPY, SAFE, LOVED, WARM AND SO SO SPECIAL........
Never give up, I wish I had more answers, but I dont. I look forward to hearing from you and am keeping you close to my heart and i my prayers.
All my love
Nads