I am by no means a psychiatrist but I will tell you by experience the things that helped me and the things that pushed me far away and made me close up from certain people.
Let me start by saying that if you have clicked onto this article , it means there is somebody out there who is suffering the loss of a child that you care about but you are not too sure how to handle it. GOOD on you for supporting them, being there for them and trying to help them but lets get one thing straight, as much as you would love to heal their pain - YOU CANT AND WONT BE ABLE TO. I understand that maybe this could be your daughter or son or even youf brother or sister whom you are battling to watch as they suffer through this all, but friends, there is nothing at this point that you can do except BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY ASK.
When I lost my son, I needed people around me constantly, and my friends and family knew that and would make sure my house was constantly full and busy as the silence would freak me out and bring on panic or anxiety, however my ex husband whom i was still married to at the time didn't want people around , so it was difficult as we were going through our mourning stages at totally different timing. While I was in denial, he was angry , when he was researching, I was still in denial etc........
There were friends who were honestly not pushy and very much there when we asked them to be there and left us alone when they saw we needed space, but some friends tried really hard to set me up with other people or organisations who had lost kids or who could soothe my pain for no other reason but that they cared and loved me, the truth was I was in denial for 4-5 years, and as unhealthy as it was for me, it would make me want to go into my shell the minute someone would want me to meet someone who had gone through what I had been through, so my advice there is .......... IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO BE ON THIS BLOG OR TALKING BUT ARE NOT, don't push it, you will only push them away and seal their lips for longer!!
Guidelines of what to say and NOT say when your friend / family member has lost a child.
DO say, Ï am totally lost for words and would rather not say anything than say the wrong thing....I am so sorry!!! i am here for you.
DO NOT SAY......At least you have got your older or younger child to distract you.........(you'll be lucky not to get a punch! do you honestly think it makes a difference as to whether that parent has zero kids left or ten , anser NO, they jusst lost THEIR CHILD THEY LOVED)
DO say , when YOU ARE READY you can pack your child's clothes , toys ,books, room etc up, no one needs to give you a date on that now, when you ready and in your own time, and when that day comes, I will be here with you to help you!!!! (its a very difficult thing to do for a parent)
DO NOT SAY, I think you just need to clear this room for a fresh start otherwise its going to be a sore reminder of everything every time you walk past, we must do it ASAP or this was my favourite, "Nadia, there are a lot of orphans out there who will benefit from Sebastians things you know"" (not YOUR decision to make!)" shock horror, did you just say that out loud........REALLY??!! I MEAN REALLY!!!
DO SAY: What would you like to do on his/her birthdays/death anniversaries? If you need to be alone let me know, if you want me around , we can turn his/her birthday into a special day for the other siblings by allowing them to write a card each or even cousins etc, and tying them to however many helium balloons the child would be turning , and sending them into the sky!! that way, we get to celebrate a special day, and the siblings get to say what they want to their brother or sister and the family get to watch the balloons take the message to heaven
DO NOT COMPARE their child's death to a parents death, friends death or perhaps even a siblings death, as difficult as this may sound (and please know I am NOT under playing your hurt or pain at any point, or saying your hurt is less) however losing a child is not natural and therefore tugs on body organs you did not know existed and the last thing you want to hear is when someone compares that to their gran passing or mum or brother.............this is different, YOU MADE THIS CHILD, YOU NURTURED THIS CHILD. be sensitive to that!! (and PS, if you have lost a family member, I do send you much courage , love and strength, as loss is a painful trauma to deal with)
DO SAY: i Just want you to know, that no matter how many years down the line it is, YOUR CHILD WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AND NEVER FORGOTTEN, one of the fears of a parent who has lost a child is fear of the memory of that child being erased from peoples hearts!
DO NOT SAY...(if you go with a couple to a function, and they are questioned as to how many children they have, NEVER just give the number of the kids still alive, ALWAYS INCLUDE the child that has passed away too, and how you do that is by wording it like so..........."So how many kids do they have?", "they have had 3 kids", those people who are on the ball will pick up immediately that what you said was past tense and will not question further, but bless it, there is always the idiot who says WHAT DO YOU MEAN HAD?!? the reason, I tell you not to forget that child, is because to keep people from feeling uncomfortable I did that twice, I simply answered "i have one child" , both times I cried myself to sleep those nights because it felt like I had denied the existence of my second son Sebastian just to keep from the person in questioning feeling uncomfortable.............NOW its simple, I just reply, "I have had TWO SONS" most people keep quiet after that !!
DO NOT give YOUR ADVISE or EXPERTISE knowledge or OPINION on how the child passed away. My chld passed away from SIDS - Sudden infant death syndrome. out of no-where during a mid morining nap on saturday morning at the age of 9 months. Of course suddenly everyone gave their opinion..........was your air con on?...was he on his back or tummy, cause you know , I read this one article that said............SHUT UP!!!! you dont know if while you are speaking that mother is thinking, OH GOD MAYBE ITS MY FAULT MY CHILD IS DEAD. just keep quiet, when your opinion is wanted, it will be asked!
DO NOT underplay a babies death, Ät least he/she was ONLY 7 months old or 2 months old or JUST 3 years old.......... A CHILD IS A CHILD irrelavent of AGE!!!!
RIGHT, so I hope that helped without too much screaming and DO NOT"s......(LOL) carry on being the loving you that you are. STAY WARM, STAY LOVING, AND STAY YOU!!
Your friend or family member will be ok. Unfortunately it has been medically proven that any TRAUMA may be over come, EXCEPT the loss of a child. BE PATIENT. its going to take all they have to find the courage to feel human again - but it WILL HAPPEN.
I carry them especially in my thoughts , heart and prayers tonight as well as all of you that worry and hurt for them.
Other than the above, try keep them occupied when anxious and try be as warm and compassionate as you can. allow them to feel the pain for a while BUT then pull up the hand break and try distract them with a movie, arts and craft, outdoor activity etc. Don't put pressure on them attending social functions all the time, sometimes they genuinely want to be quiet and alone, don't force the issue!!
Be you, be loving, be patient, be kind, be compassionate,
they will fall apart, they will go through a stage of being people you don't know, a piece of them WILL DIE with their child, ALL YOU CAN DO IS BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY FALL.
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